By Sharon Emephia
The first time I began living fully in the Federal Capital Territory, particularly in the city of Abuja, was around two decades ago, as a young graduate posted there to participate in the mandatory one-year National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) scheme. It was the first time I would be away from the safety and protection of my parents, and the experience felt surreal.
Thankfully, I had an uncle who was the Police Chief at the time, and I had the privilege of living in his palatial home in the highbrow Wuse 2 district, a very posh neighbourhood, home to many influential individuals.
One of the first things I noticed was that a significant number of married men lived in the city without their wives or children. This troubled my innocent mind, as it was contrary to what I knew growing up in the ancient city of Benin, Edo State, where I had lived with my family. There, family life was very much intact families lived together.
Secondly, I observed that many of these married men often sought out young women, particularly those who appeared to be far from their families or were going through challenging circumstances especially regarding accommodation. They would often take advantage of such situations, and this forms the crux of my story today.
As I spent more time in the city, I began to notice certain disturbing patterns in romantic relationships.
The first was the prevalence of married men engaging in relationships with other women often far beyond mere affairs, considering their marital status. These women would sometimes move in with the men, attracted by the promise of a more comfortable lifestyle. In return, they would assume domestic roles. In some instances, children were born from these affairs without the knowledge of the men’s spouses. The trend even started to reverse some married women, transferred to Abuja by their respective government agencies, also fell into the same pattern. Thus emerged the term “Abuja marriage.”
Another version of “Abuja love” involved single men and women cohabiting, often due to one party having “accommodation challenges.” This often led to unplanned pregnancies and births, with neither party’s family aware. That too, is a version of Abuja marriage.
A third variation I noticed was the case of struggling young men targeting well-to-do women, those already living in comfort with good jobs and stable incomes. These men would profess undying love, but their true intentions were usually to enjoy free shelter, food, a car, sex, and unrestricted access to the lady’s resources. Many women in Abuja have fallen for this ploy, although increased awareness has recently saved some from such misfortunes. These men would often propose marriage within 24 hours of meeting a wealthy woman usually after visiting her home and seeing the comfort she enjoyed. Many single women, perhaps desperate for marriage or simply naïve, have fallen into this painful trap. These men typically show no interest in working hard. Instead, they frequent the gym to maintain well-sculpted bodies, wear designer clothes, use expensive cologne, and master all the sweet lines women want to hear. They know where to find their “targets” the restaurants, lounges, and salons frequented by successful women or the daughters of the bourgeoisie.
The fourth and most dangerous category of Abuja love involves young, single men who target married women particularly those unhappily married to wealthy men. This can be the deadliest version, as such affairs sometimes spiral into extreme consequences, including violence or even death. The male psyche is wired differently. While men who cheat may do so with their senses still intact, though still very wrong, many women in such situations may act out of emotional neglect or a desire for genuine connection. In such cases, the consequences can be severe.
Despite all this chaos, a few good marriages do exist in Abuja solid, admirable unions that are thriving and growing into dynasties. However, these are few and far between.
If you are new to Abuja, perhaps transferred for work or in search of greener pastures or if you’ve just been posted here by NYSC, far away from your family’s familiar embrace, please be discerning in your interactions with the opposite sex. Abuja is more than its well-paved roads and beautiful buildings. Be guided.
You feel me?